I have so many questions.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Who did it better?
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.