Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
I already tried new things thanks.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]