[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
One of the best
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.