I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte