[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.