Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!