Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
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I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
just got my engagement photos
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
These 3D printers are insane!
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Pandas 🐼🖤
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
#oldknees
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here