“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
inside you are two wolves
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave