[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
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“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Ovenable?
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you