ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
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Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
you gotta be faster
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”