Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?