Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
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Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”