[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
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I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Watermelon Boss!
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Put the is in disheveled
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me if I was a dog
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
58.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.