I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
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It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I have obtained a hat
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
A family that plays together cheats.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
a public service announcement
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.