A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Wikigenius
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time