First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
when you order from DoorDastardly
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.