I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
c’mon!
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet