i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
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Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
The booster protects against what, now?
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD