Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Sunday
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
How animals would run if they were human
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
When someone says you are so lazy
why I oughta
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.