To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
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Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao