What an awful time to have common sense.
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I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume