My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I hope it’s French Onion!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?