I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
You Might Also Like
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo