Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
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Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
those birds must be on payroll
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.