Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
everyone’s a critic
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!