When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Don’t tell me what to do
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
titanic
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches