I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
You Might Also Like
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
dream blunt rotation
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
LA today: