If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
This is true.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sign at work today
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.