life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Lube but for my dry humor.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.