[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
it’s either covid or clever vampires
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Ok, but like, how married are you?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.