Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.