[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
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I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
kitchen magnet
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…