ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
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Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church