Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
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Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
They grow up so quick
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs