if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind