I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.