Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*pokes sex life with a stick
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems