9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.