Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
bout dat hot dog summer
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Sell your car
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.