what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
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*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?