I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
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Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I love art.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.