Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me as a therapist: omg same
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.