I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
want me to check your oil?
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet