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There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew