Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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He just like my cat fr
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Sunday
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once