Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
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happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
This could be us… but you playing
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.