Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
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Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
mood