my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Is this you?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.