Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
You Might Also Like
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.