Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Leaving the Barbers like
awkward
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.